Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
