I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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