Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
