Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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