my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
