someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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