we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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