i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
