oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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