when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
