Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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