I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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