I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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