My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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