Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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