I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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