...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
