dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
