i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Its about making memories worth repressing
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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