I've blown a few things in my day
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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