hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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