The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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