sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
