I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
being pregnant is like rehab
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
