I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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