If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
