how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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