honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
