Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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