I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
