guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
