I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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