Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
