haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
