My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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