Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
