bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The Olympian is in my bed
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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