I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
