When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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