The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
