I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
