turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
