Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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