I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't turn off my feet"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
