I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
