Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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