I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize