i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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