I didn't shave. On purpose
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
