i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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