I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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