I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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