Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Life is so much better after having sex.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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