my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
