Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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