This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
