I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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